~~.My.heart.cries.suicide.~~

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 17:44:47 GMT

Wow... Words can not even begin to describe last night...

Been sick for the past week..finally decided to go out last night..
I should have stayed in bed..Like i orignally planned..

But i was set on surprising someone there..
Ehh..You know me...sit in the parking garage get hammered before going into ibar..
The usual...

But last night.. not the usual...Almost went to jail..for underage drinkin..
Cops busted us all...have to appear in court to see what our punishment is...

How did the cops know we were there??? I had 1 idea...but i guess i'll set it aside...

but anyways...i tried to move on with my night..
it didnt work... i felt like shit..and i wanted to die all night...

finally went back to johnnys to go to sleep...and then out of no where...a phone call..

It took alot of guts...what she did...amazed me and caught me off gaurd...

Thanx Jess...
I guess i'll take your word that you didnt do it...
And hopefully.. like u said.. the dramas done..and its all over with...
and i cant def. relate and kno where you are coming from with letting anger get the best of you...
So no worries...as long as your parts done...mine is as well...

i wish u the best of luck...it hurt hearing the things you said last night...things will get better with time..they can only go down so long before the have nowhere else to go and must go back up...believe me.. i know.

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 19:39:05 GMT

Wow..
Last night....
FUCKING AMAZING!!

Picked up the girls..(shawna and kyla)
Got some beer..
Headed to seabreeze..
Got drunk..
Got in the pit...
Showed people that little people can throw bows too..
hahaha....
Saw all my old friends..
Made some new friends..
The dead shall rise...<3333
I love them more and more everytime i see them...
Finally got to see robert again...
Louie accidently hit shawna in the head with his bass..
Busted her eye brow wide open!! bled everywhere..
police started coming because there were to many people there...
so..
Headed back to deland...
Partied with all my old friends..
Got trashed beyond belief..
Went to taco bell at 3..
drove to kylas..
and passed THE FUCK OUT by about 5:30!

And a hang over today..
hahahhah

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 04:44:27 GMT

I hate everything about life..
I'm tired of living....

I sat today...
Just browsing myspace..
Came across a couples myspace...
I read it...
looked at the pictures..
listened to the songs..
And didnt stop crying for 6 hours..
And i've yet to stop....
Everything they said..
was what i used to have....
Everything that i lost...

I want my past back....
Tho the person has pretty much deleted me from their life as of 3 days ago...
And i havent stopped crying...
i thought "i dont love you anymore" was bad...
until "i never wanna talk to u or see ur face again" came along....
i cant stop crying....
im a wreck....

i want my perfect life back.....
there was nothing wrong..
perfect grades..
perfect family...
perfect job..
prefect relationship...
perfect friends..
everything perfect...
when i was envied...i had everything people wanted...
and now i have nothing...
nothing at all.....

guess i took advantage of what i had..
never thought i could lose it all...

but what sux...is that what started this all was never my fault....
but because of that one event i have run many more things into the ground that do come out as my fault..
And i cant stop myself....
i cant..
i dont know whats wrong wiht me..
why i feel this way..
why i say or do the things that i do....

i just wanna give up...
if i cant have my life back...
then i want no life at all..
sit in a dark closet and left my self rot away....

im ashamed of who i am..
i get sick when i look at the mirror and look into my own eyes...
see everything that i've become...
and think back at everything that i was....

i dont kno how to go back....

but i cant sit here and face myself anymore...
it hurts to much..
and crying myself to sleep is getting old....
then waking up with swollen eyes...applying my "fake"-up...
as if it were a mask and then walking out the door and pretending that im ok...
just to please everyone else...

I cant remember the last time i lived for myself...

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 16:26:21 GMT

Rough night.

But what did i expect...

Time....
Thats all thats left...

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 13:13:24 GMT

Today:

I choose to fix myself...

<3

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 17:43:07 GMT

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 17:06:46 GMT

Alrighty....I've decided that i'm going to start keeping up with this again....I never post anymore...But it will give me a place to write down my thoughts....And for you to give your opinions....

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 04:34:12 GMT

wow....its been months since i last updated....CRAZYNESS!!

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 15:11:21 GMT

Well i'm to the point of completely breaking down..This spring break has only brought more chaos to my already falling apart life...I've cryed so much and resorted to other ways to deal with my pain...I can't take it anymore...I want everything to be fixed and get better...I don't kno what to do...But after all the dale and chad situation im still not aloud at chads house even tho dale and chad are finally getting along again...But me, chad, tyler, matt, derek, jake, mason, michelle, joe, and a few other ppl all went nad stayed at shawnas house Thursday night and had a good ol' party!! FUN FUN!! well i quit drinkin, so that part wasnt to much fun for me...But OH BUDDY I HAD SOME FUN!! "wink wink"...HAHA...Alot of the ppl who were there (esp. Tyler and Shawna) will kno what im talkin about...But any ways...Last night was pretty dramatic to me.I broke a promise that i made to both chad and shawna..Last night i thought i had reached the breakin point...But chad and shawna both talked to me and they are gonna try and help me get thru all this shit and make it better...I dunno..wish things werent so freakin crazy right now...I dont need one more thing to deal with on top of my parents and havin to see my mom cry everyday...Its just to much...I CANT DO IT!!!

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 01:11:50 GMT

Ok....So i've been thinkin about it...And my last entry was a little harsh....I do still hate amanda and dont think i will ever talk to her again...and i talked to chad and we worked things out.....I've never been hurt by somthin as much as that hurt me....I do realize than me hookin up with chads bro wasnt the best of ideas even tho i kno i had always wanted to do that since last year....and now chad and his brother will prolly never be cool again...chad wants to beat the shit out of his bro....i really wish they would just talk about what happened instead of fighting...i wish i could erase the whole night...and start everything over again....there is a whole lot of mess from this...alot of broken friendships and family fueds...its horrible...i dunno...i really hope chad and dale become cool again...

:-/

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 02:17:28 GMT

so as the days go by the more details start to come out.so i found out that the girl i thought was one of my best friends fucked chad friday night at that party...After all the shit i talked about her sister when she fucked my last ex-boyfriend and she knew how much i didnt like it....she still fuckin did it. and then they decided to keep it a secret from me..how fuckin low! i fuckin hate them both and the both should die!!! he said the only reason he did it was cause he saw me wiht dale...All me and dale fuckin did was kiss!!!its so much bull shit...im so mad/upset at the same time...i dont want anything to do with ither one of them!!

I HOPE U BOTH FUCKIN DIE!!! IF YOU WANT, YA'LL CAN FUCKIN DIE TOGETHER CAUSE YOUR BOTH WHORES!!!

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 17:11:09 GMT

Yea so this weekend can be described at what u might call "CRAZY"....Well amanda and kelli were supposed to come thursday but somthin came up....so they got here friday afternoon...Then Chad picked us up and we went nad chilled at his house for a while....then me, amanda, kelli, chad, dale, mason, matt, tyler, etc all went to dannys house....oh man a shit load of booze!! i got completely trashed!! chad wasnt really talkin to me that much and he was hangin out with amanda alot so i hung out with dale. Well dale was 100% sober the whole night...And everyone knows that i always thought dale was really hott....well me being trashed made the night pretty interesting...I dont wanna talk about it....But i have almost the whole world mad at me and now i have dale and chad completely hating each other and almost gettin into a fight....But saturday morning i some how woke up at dales house....i dont rem. goin there or anything...i feel horrible about all of it..Chad completely hates me now....

Anyways i had a hangover all day saturday...then i had work...i couldnt even stand up...It sucked...Then last night me, amanda, kelli, my bro, and marcie went to daytona to watch mikes band play....it was pretty awesome!!!

But today kelli and amanda had to leave!! TOTALLY SUCKS!!

dont kno whats happening

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 12:04:52 GMT

I seriously don't know what i want anymore... Everything seems to be falling apart... So yea me and Logan broke up... I thought it was for the best.... I'm not so sure now.... It hurts more than i wanted and expected.... Cried for a couple hours last night.... I didn't really want to break up with him.... He assumed that i did and went ahead and did it for me....We both knew we were totally different people and that a relationship wouldn't last long... He knew it more than i did, even tho what i knew of it i tried to block it out of my head because i really wanted to be with him.... I don't think hes gonna let us be friends.... And even if he does, it won't be as close of friends as i want.... He means alot to me.... I wish he knew that....

Well it's raining really hard....So i decided to not go to school.....Fun Fun...

Oh yea Amanda and Kelli are comin to visit me tomorrow!!! I haven't seen them since the begining of last summer!!! I'm so fuckin excited.... Even tho deland sucks ass and there isn't anything to do...

One more day until spring break begins!! SAWEET!

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 20:41:52 GMT

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 01:54:51 GMT

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 01:45:12 GMT

Well Friday me and logan were supposed to get a hotel room and stay the night but my mom ended up calling and saying she needed me to come home that night so those plans fell thru!! WHICH SUCKED BY FAR!! So we ended up doin the usual (going to hang out wiht Jay, Sean, and Brett at Jay and Seans house)....WOW!! that night had we more instore for everyone than we expected...I hate seeing Logan mad/hurt/in a shit load of trouble...I just wanted to sit there and cry after all the chaos that happened...I'm not gonna bother goin all into details about it cause its not my bizz to tell anyone...

Then on Saturday I had to fuckin sit home all day and watch my little sister! which was a bunch of bullshit!!! Then later on around 7 or so i went and got shawna from the bus stop and we went downtown....and i just so happen to run into my love..So we hung out with Logan and them for a while..then we went to steves to watch the bands play....i smoked an entire pack of ciggs last night!!! it was horrible....i smoke alot...but never that much...haha....then we left and picked up christina and went to shawnas house and we got high as fuck!!! MAN O MAN!!! GOOD TIMES!!!lol....it was great....i swear us 3 have the best time ever when we are together....

Then today i went to church....Then i went to work....and now my mom said i have to fuckin stay home all night!!! I FUCKIN HATE HER!!!Shes been a bitch like whao!!!So now im stuck here and i wanted to be with logan...:-\

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 12:08:35 GMT

Main highlights of this past month....

PARENTS GETTING DIVORCED/DAD MOVED OUT

ME AND CHAD BROKE UP/NOW IM WITH LOGAN

HAD A JOB INTERVIEW/NOW I WORK AT TCBY

STOPPED CAREING ABOUT SCHOOL/MY GRADES ALL FELL

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 01:58:55 GMT

For those of you who don't know...

Me and Logan are officaily together.... :-)

After all I have been through with him, and all the pain and hurt i've been caused I am wondering how all this will turn out...I don't know, but i'm excited and scared all at the same time...

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 02:18:27 GMT

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 01:04:18 GMT

Well since me and Chad broke up i have been able to hang out wiht logan again, because i dont have chad tellin me how much he does not like them! YAY!!

Yea, Yea, i know...Everyone keeps telling me "why are you doin this to urself again"...Well I cant help it, i always seem to run back to logan no matter how bad he hurts me or screws me over...Cause i know alot of u have read all my entires from a while back where i was completely crushed because of logan and all i did was cry and beg him to give me another chance for like a straight month or so...It was kinda pathetic...But whatever....I went about 4 or 5 months without talkin to logan barely any at all....but now that we are getting close again i have noticed a big change in who he is...I have pretty much spent everyday with him since the break up...And we have been getting along wonderful and everything!!! i dunno...i care about him so much...Last night i saw a side of him that i never wanted to see....it freakin tore me apart...Me and him ended up sitting in his car for about 3 or 4 hours...I never saw logan hurt by somthin (i wont say what it was about)....But i saw him upset!! it was crazy!! so we just sat there and he held me in him arms the entire time...he kept sayin "Thank you for being here for me".....i dunno....i love that kid to death no matter how much everyone else hates him....

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 21:59:33 GMT

Last night was the Atreyu show!! So fucking amazing!! Me, Shawna, and Christina ended up getting there late and missing the first 2 bands...But we got to see atreyu and unearth and it was to fucking awesome!! I got to see Clancy which was awesome because i havent seen him in forever!! Then we ran into a few more ppl we knew...good times, good times....But afterwards we went to wendys and me and shawna made this bet...The bet was that we would both get a #3 (which is a tripple cheese burger, supersized everything) and we had to see who could eat it first...but i paid for her meal last night so if she won then she didnt have to pay me back and if i won then she had to pay me back...OMG!! haha it was so hilarious!! SO MUCH FUCKIN FOOD!! BUT I WON!! HAHAHAHAH

(cause im a fat ass duh!)

We both finished i just finished like 5 seconds before her...

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 21:27:39 GMT

Ok...Well over the past week or so i had realized that me and Chad were pretty much goin our different ways...So i ended up breaking up with him on saturday, and come to find out he had been feeling the same way...Which is a total relief...So hopefully i dont lose many friends over this mess, and hopefully me and Chad can still be friends...Tomorrows school and i am ready to see how it goes...First day at school in a long time without being Chads girlfriend...I guess i'll be ready for all the stupid comments like "Wheres chad" "why did yall break up" "aww im sorry" Etc....lol...i dunno

But heres a run through of my weekend...

Friday- Went to Taste Of Chaos

Saturday-Sat around all day then hung out with Logan all night

Sunday-Church, work, and then hung out with Logan again..

Today-Cleaned the house all day and babysat my sister...

Thats about it....

And tomorrow is the Atreyu show and me and shawna dont have a ride!! ANY OFFERS???

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 18:16:15 GMT

So...Me and Chad broke up.....

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 15:21:37 GMT

So last night was Taste Of Chaos!! SO MUCH FUN!! Well My Chemical Romance didnt play!! I was so pissed about that!!! GRR!!! But i saw so many ppl i knew!! IT WAS GREAT!!

but other than that, LIFE SUCKS!! If anyone wants to do anything tonight, let me know...i need somthin to do to get my mind off all this shit goin on....

If you need me let me know.......I'm here for you!

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 13:30:47 GMT

~*~.My.heart.cries.suicide.~*~

dont kno whats happening

If you need me let me know.......I'm here for you!

~~.My.heart.cries.suicide.~~